Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Best in Show

well... dizzy and i headed down to mccormick place last saturday for a look at the finest automakers had to offer.
unfortunately, they had nothing exciting, so we had to turn our attention to another facet of the show....
you know - the "beautiful" group of people that are unemployed for 9 months out of the year, and just peek out of the woodwork for events such as the auto show, or the boat & rv show, or other such bastions of white trash.

so, without further ado, i present to you:



hey, look over there! is that catherine zeta jones?

nope, just a middle-aged woman selling a minivan. though it makes one wonder if mrs. michael douglas is driving one now that they're on their third child. that is one half of an indoor soccer team, after all.


Condi helped explain the finer points of e85 ethanol fuel. a revolutionary idea that proves that gm has no idea what the hell they're doing. she actually whispered to us, "just buy a prius."


this woman could've been a runner up, except that she talked down to the audience... failing to realize she was trying to sell us a fucking buick SUV. old farts can't climb that high up into a vehicle. but we'll get to that later.


while we appreciated this woman defying gender roles by wearing a fine tailored suit and selling the shit out of a lexus, we just couldn't get behind her when she told us the price of the vehicle was "to be determined." exactly how many zeroes is that, ma'am?


(click to view full-size)

mmm... the 70's. coincidentally, also the last time i was considered "hot".
oh... we beg to differ, missy. between that hair, that skin, and that fine fine rack, you, my dear, are our best in show. you were there for the original dodge challenger. same hair, a boyfriend named randy with a sweet mullet and a fu manchu. maybe he picked up a sixer of schlitz, and y'all went down to the demolition derby that hot summer night... well, you sold us. whatever you're selling, we're buying.


other highlights from the auto show include:

old people swarming around the buicks -

seriously, you just missed that guy pushing over another dude in a walker.

god, stand up straight you old bag. what is wrong with you??

and finally, our favorite experience at the auto show - an exchange with some suburban grandmother in the front seat of the new toyota yaris.

me, passenger seat: (sticking hand in compartment to the lower right of the HVAC controls)
what's this for?
woman, driver seat: (leans over, sticks hand in compartment)
dan: oh. that's where you keep your gun.
woman: ... maybe if you live in the city of chicago.

me: (laughing hysterically, exiting the car...)

Saturday, February 18, 2006

first post, bitches

welcome to the neighborhood.
chicago auto show recap coming soon.